he puts the penis in happiness.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
