How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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