Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just gift wrapped bread.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
