gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
