You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
