dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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