and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
