yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
