You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize