Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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