i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I puked a lego.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
