I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
