either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
