Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
