found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
