ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Randomize