she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
