He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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