and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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