i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
