Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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