im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
