i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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