new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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