I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
