I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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