Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
