Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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