if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
