you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize
