I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
