I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
