oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
