CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
