craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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