i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
it's like iHOP with fire
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
