Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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