you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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