I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
