I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
