I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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