You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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