I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
