i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
