Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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