Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
