NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I think I won the penis lottery.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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