3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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