My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
