Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
