When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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