you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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