Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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