my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
