two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm getting married
To pizza
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
