he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
