I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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