I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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