He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
