I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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