i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
