Fine. I'll sleep in my office
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
