he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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