as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
