I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
