for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
