you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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