Can Purell be used as lube?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
